My experience with sensory deprivation tank

I think today I have become the first Bangladeshi to float. LOL!

In fact, it is because of this partially which made me return to the forum. Plus I missed it. Basically it resets and rewires your brain.

You become a completely different person. You become a brand new person. You feel the warmth and glow of sunlight after it is over as if you just emerged from womb. You really become born again and start seeing the world in a brand new eyes with entirely new neural circuitry.

I personally would recommend everyone to try this at least once in their life time if not as early as possible. Plus it is cheap. (Less than 50 bucks.) Only reason why I delayed it was because I thought ‘meh, blah, it is just plain ol’ relaxation like sauna or spa or jacuzzi or some thing…’

No. No. No. It is completely different.

I left the forum with lot of microaggression, passive rage, egoic issues. And yes, even two nights ago, I was having deep emotional, financial and personal issues. I kinda felt I really messed it up.

Well….flotation completely dissolves your ego. I don’t mean ego as in pride, but the fact that we are motivated to pursue and accomplish great things chiefly from a pursuit of fear, lack, lack of self-esteem and feeling of ‘not being good enough’. Ergo that results in ego.

I think Golden State Warriors also tried it. Navy SEALs do it for accelerated learning of foreign language acquisition. UFC fighters do it. And f yeah, I think if given the right opportunity every one of our players should do it.

Think of doing weed. Except no side effects. You feel sedated as if on pain killers or opiates.

Difference?

It is not like doing weed. LOL It is 100000000 x better. Marijuana might reset your brain but it wears off. This one for the most part will make you feel you are wearing a brand new cloth or skin.

No side effects. Trust me it is nothing like cannabis. My assumption would be it may be a bit like taking psilocybin. But why risk the hallucinatory trips, paranoia and side effects?

It is completely safe. It is 100% natural. It is absolutely relaxing.

Now for the actual experience:

Best thing to do is not to go with any expectation. Contrary to my fear (?) or belief, it wasn’t supposed to be trapped in a dark room in cold water where phobia or fear percolates. No, the water temperature is same as your body temperature hence you feel no difference rather weightlessness in epsom salt and your body dissolves.

I went in partially with goal in mind. I was having severe relationship problems with my family, brief emotional crisis and to attain photographic memory and be rich like Carnegie. Carnegie who you may recall sang in Carnegie Hall: “Started from the bottom now we here…”

Anyhoo, it didn’t pay heed to any of that. It immediately addressed the real issue at hand. Which was severe and acute pain of my coccydonia (tailbone). I had three car accidents (not my fault, let the records indicate) and although I was aware of my tailbone pain, I kinda swept it under the rug.

But, I had to face it. My pain is near 1200 in a scale of 1 to 12. I knew that I was acting so rough and violent (albeit disguised and camouflaged in the courtesy and etiquette of social drama that we ALL are so good at and adept) stemmed partially from here. I never addressed this issue. Imagine a wounded tiger with a claw stuck in its feet. Everything he says or do will perpetuate some negative vibes.

Other than that I was explicitly and severely mad at many of my family members and friends and blaming them for my life’s misery and trouble. Funny thing is once my body relaxed, all of it just…. dissolved. I didn’t have to do anything. Not a single thing. No meditation bullshit. No mantra. No positive affirmations. No ‘thinking it through’ and intellectualizing. All and that is all I felt was unconditional and complete love for my parents. I understood everything and everything from every perspective even from my own. Why I hurt. Why my parents. Why exactly is our life f—–ed up due to social conditioning and programming etcetera etcetrea. No one is to blame. It is simply not about that. It is not about playing a blame game.

I didn’t have to try for radical forgiveness or compassion or kindness. It just felt right.

At some time in my journey, I felt like I have been lifted to an ocean of universe high and far above the sky. Then I felt like stretching and I imagined myself to wade like a frog. I remembered those scenes you see in the documentary (especially DMT ones) where one animal becomes another, like a human to frog to salamander etc… so I “got the point” that it simply means we are ALL ONE. We are all connected.

At some later time, since my senses turned off and I turned inward, my mind wanted to be busy. So I kept singing and humming softly. Something I’d never do in a million years.

I wanted to keep it short and sweet. And I thought I’d definitely return. The highlight was the compassion and unconditional love for my parents, who are like the most precious treasure in my life.

Epilogue

After I exited, although I felt change (I also did a light therapy that stimulates pineal gland) I was bursting with positivity and I thought it was just my self.

But after I came out of the studio and walked in the street, I felt everyone was good looking and superman. Something I imagined would happen in 2200 where everyone would have cosmic knowledge and be omniscience and be the best version of themselves.

Although I still didn’t realize, I felt that reality has changed. Anyway, it has been full 17 hours since and the most important change I feel is: I can do no wrong.

I mean we, I, at least, obsess so much over so little… is this what I am saying “right”? Or wrong? Or right in the wrong setting? Or wrong in the wrong setting or right setting? Is it just? Is it moral? Is it legal? Is it ethical? Is it intuitive enough? Is it forced? Is it forcefully intuitive? Is it intuitively forced….?

I mean we set up a self-destructive negative feedback loop and pattern that ultimately drives us, and ergo, therefore the rest of humanity IN-S-A-N-E because everything we say, do or act can be imperceptibly and subconsciously felt by other.

Basically the inner critic died.

My only fear is it won’t last that long. And that is okay. I can always go back and reset my brain and life. I mean car engine and air filters get dirty and clogged. It is just he nature of life.

Please do yourself a favor and try this. You will be a brand new man.

So you want to reset your brain?

These are six ways you can reset your neuroplastic brain. Btw, I deliberately ditched those cheesy, clickbaity titles: “Six ways to…” or “How to…”

1. Travel. Most potent, effective and fun way to drastically alter your brain chemistry. Of course, the more unusual, diverse and creative the environment, the more bang you will get for your buck. And it doesn’t even be an exotic situation. Just $10 a train free can take you to amazing places.

2. Radical forgiveness. Another potent method. Do look up Dispenza or Dave Asprey/Vishen Lakhiani brain-helmet experiences.

3. LSD. Why not? I personally never tried it or indulge in psychedelics, but the information should be made available.

4. Learn new things. Crochet, go, backgammon, dressage.. I mention these because these are not exactly mainstream and out of comfort zone.

5. Holotropic breathing. Just found out. Will delve into it and research further.

6. Flotation tank. Another “It” thing and gaining momentum.

Self-Belief

Originally published in banglacricket.com

Jazz musicians call it playing in the pocket. Athletes call it the zone. Peak performers sometimes prefer the term superconsciousness. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi call it the flow. Whatever the term, the fact is there are brief moments of history where cricketers exhibit bursts of synaptic sprouts firing in all cylinders like fireworks where they break all inhibitions and operate from a higher consciousness. Case in point Rohit Sharma 264, Brendon McCullum 123, McCullum IPL 158, Yuvraj’s countless heroic feat and so on.

Of course, the current model of thinking is ‘you work hard, and it pays off’. But that’s a belief. That’s YOUR belief. That’s a belief you were brought up with, not born with. In fact, in the book The Talent Code, Daniel Coyle talks about myelin sheath, the fatty substance that surrounds axons of nerve cells. He purports – correctly- that deep learning and practice (and yes, perfect practice) – will make those like information superhighway. The path trodden in forests after repetitive treading will make information travel faster and faster like a broadband internet connection until an act becomes automatic or intuitive.

But there is a short-cut way to short-circuit that neural patterning. This is the realm of Jesus mode. And it is what I will talk about today. And this is my contention.

The Way of Photographic Memory

Every year we make New Year’s resolution. This year was no different and I made a bombastic, hifalutin wish to memorize the entire 20 Volume of Oxford English Dictionary. First, it was just to memorize the vocabulary. Pretty soon it evolved into memorizing the tome verbatim. And for those who tasted the ambrosia will immediately recall that the fine print of OED is like going down the rabbit hole. The fine print gets finer and finer, and it challenges the most hardcore memory experts out there.

It became apparent to me that only way to murder it would be via photographic memory. I mean the real deal. Not the pansy artificial memory palace. But hardcore down in the dirt, all captured in a flash, Jason Bourne sh–.

I experimented with ketosis. It wasn’t just sustainable after intermittent fasting and browsing for high fat foods. At any rate, since I am posting in a cricket forum, I will make the digression short. I found out how practicing celibacy and Brahmacharya Swami Vivekanda committed to memory entire Britannica. How there exist in the ether of cyberworld something called “military method” designed after fighter pilot where AW Volkmann used a tachitoscope to imprint after-images in mind’s eye that can be replicated in a dark room, such as bathroom, and using a flashlight to create a strobe effect (with high lumens) and create ‘mental snapshots’.

See, these things are all available. But problem is many people pride themselves on being ‘skeptics’ or having a ‘critical mind’. Expect they are neither critical nor skeptical of their own skepticism. And since this article is titled Self-Belief, it is important to note that the operative word du jour is ‘belief’.

I had the belief. Or sort of. Or so I did. But two things guided me. Tony Robbins once mentioned: “You repeat a lie enough, and pretty soon it becomes the truth.” Then he continues: “Guess who said it? – Hitler!” Yes, Hitler was a master of psychological programming and subconscious manipulation before the modern day advertisers brought it to forefront.

Then in a autosuggestion book, I read how in a hypnotic session a patient was told to draw the shutter after the ordeal. And sure enough he did. That didn’t surprise me. Yes, people can be suggestible in a relaxed state. It is virtually common place now. Just take a look at any sport psychology book. Apparently, Matt Damon quit smoking with hypnosis and countless others cured their phobia. But what knocked me off my socks was the fact, when asked why the patient did it, he said: “Because the sun was on my face.”

The thing is subconscious mind will justify the deep embedded seed by contorting and manipulating the reality.

So, I was always a firm believer in affirmations and self-talk. I suffered from clinical depression for a decade. And after I rebelliously quit meds cold turkey three pillars saved my life: exercise (high intensity cardio), gratitude and yes, affirmations or self-talk.

I am off meds for over a year and I noticed when I was a shitty depressed state, “I” used to bog myself down repeatedly saying the mantra over and over and over and over again: “God I feel so bad now. Oh darn I feel so horrible. God my mind is a mess. I am a loser. I am depressed. I am so sad. I am really upset. I feel so weak.” And the thing is they say we have over 60,000 thoughts in a day. So imagine if you constantly abuse yourself and bombard with these negative imprinting, effin damn right you will be depressed. In fact, it will be a miracle if you don’t! (And who the f says ‘darn’ anyways?)

So, I battered myself these time propelled by the Tony Robbins nugget and the autosuggestion gem and although it was hard work and brute force at first, it kind of became second nature. I noticed the value of morning ritual and realized if the very first thought in your mind in the morning is a shitty one, then damn right you will spiral out of control for the rest of the day. I utilized Brian Tracy formula to affirm 20 times in the morning “I love myself. I love my life.”

I was on a hiatus from BC. But I immersed myself and saturated in positive psychology and self-help books. Anything from activating superimmune system, to Andrew Weil’s spontaneous healing talks on YouTube and yes, to even Deepak Chopra. Having cured myself from ‘depression’ and having laid the foundation, next I wanted to soar high.

VDB

Most skeptics will dismiss these as New Age fads or pseudoscience or some nifty gimmicks. But if it works, who are you to say how I should behave unless you are motivated by inflated ego and other subconscious agenda?

First, I couldn’t even run 20 steps without panting. Then I could ‘suddenly’ run 2 miles non-stop with haranguing self-talk: “I am on beast mode. I feel unstopabble. I have Navy SEAL mentality” with added posture and postive body language. Speaking of Navy SEALS, you can bicker all day long that these ‘stuffs don’t work’ but the bare bone essentials is that from elite business entrepreneurs to high performing Olympic athletes to Navy SEALS and military ALL use the following three basic mental strength reinforcing acts:

1. Self-Talk (ergo which creates belief in subconscious)
2. Visualization or Guided Imagery (Alex Honnold in his bio wrote for two days he mentally rehearses all nooks and crannies of a craggy surface and then it is just matter of simple execution)
3. Breathing or any simple relaxation technique to get into alpha state to catalyze in the peak performing state or ‘the zone’.

So having checked off these mini-milestones, I put the test to my ultimate dream and goal: photographic memory.

It must be said, yes it looks cool on the surface to memorize a book from page-a-second, but the real reason why I obsessed so badly over this from childhood is not because – as some of your ill-perceived egoistical mind would believe that because of my inflated ego- rather due to childhood love, curiosity and fascination to learn everything I can get my hand onto and for violent thirst for knowledge.

Once, when I wore my phone with the affirmation “I have photographic memory” for 1 hour straight, I found a change.

I found the same change a week ago, when I resolved to brainwash myself. I set the goal to brainwash myself 10,000 times with the saying “I have photographic memory” for five hours straight.

So I went to a park to be seclusion and all I played in headphone was the inexhaustible mantra “I have photographic memory”. I tell you what man: first hour and a half was an utter bore, chore and pure torture. The inner critic, the skeptical voice of doubt and reason wanted to self-sabotage me by all means hook and crook and all tricks at her disposal by putting seeds of doubt and fear. “Oh this **** won’t work. This **** will hardly work. If this was so easy, then anyone could get photographic memory.” But I persisted. I reasoned with myself: “But how many actually have tried? How many? Answer me.” Then I just said: “Just shut up man.”

And boom! Voila. I had the breakthrough. It hit me like LSD. I never had the drug, but I can only imagine when the switch gets flipped, what a person feels. The thing is in that state, you do not memorize all 20 digit numbers or bulk instantaneously. Instead, it is a feeling. The brain works very mysteriously, and surreptitiously. Once subconscious is programmed, it starts to act immediately and the first step it does is it enhances the power of observation. You really feel what a man would feel like if he had photographic memory.

You start noticing little details while your brain keeps getting furnished, flooded and inundated with the programming: “I have photographic memory”. You start seeing patterns on bark, the square grille design like quiltwork patch on public restroom wall. You start seeing the erstwhile ‘invisible’ marks on screw drivers on the very seat you sat for hour and a half or say, that your headphone wire had an off switch button the size of a centimeter in diameter which you never noticed even though you had the headphones for a year.

Then I told myself. I need to see if I missed something from a commonplace object. Now I left my wallet and all my loose change back at home just to cut down the distraction. And I really needed a penny. Funny thing is, it was equally miraculous how right after one and half hour, when I ‘wanted’ a penny, I ‘manifested’ out of thin air from my pant pocket.

Although it wasn’t ‘photographic memory’ per se but I was suddenly awakened to all the little details everywhere. I could see things that no one else could. I guess for someone who is not accustomed to that state of mind, that is the first baby step. Then after I stared at the Lincoln penny, I noticed three curious initials. It appeared to V, a D and a B. But my conscious mind took over and said, why would there be these meaningless letters? Maybe it reads USA?

I came home. And Googled, VDB. Before I proceed, here is the penny enlarged and still you will see it is hard to read.

 

Now never in a million years, I would be so attentive to the details or would have waved it off. But I had enormous fascination, childlike wonder and curiosity and keen faculties of observation.

The VDB stands for the designer of Lincoln penny: Victor David Brenner.

Self-Belief

Of course, that ‘feeling’ dissipated, and I was back to normalcy soon. But I made up my mind to find out how to activate that latent state. So this time I started taking Joseph Murphy’s “Power of Subconscious Mind” seriously as well Claude Bristol’s Magic of Believing. I learned from self-help books how Penfeld did an experiment under anaesthesia where patients recalled with photographic precision what was the weather like on Thursday on so-and-so date or what had they for lunch or the convo when certain nodes in brain was probed. I learned how in a mock ritual when a group of student did cult like enactment of a teacher’s assistant they didn’t like and ‘acted out’ the decapitation scene, the man died of shock soon.

I realized human beings are capable of limitless possibilities. As Brian Tracy wrote:

Quote:

Your subconscious mind is like a huge memory bank. Its capacity is virtually unlimited. It permanently stores everything that ever happens to you. By the time you reach the age of 21, you’ve already permanently stored more than one hundred times the contents of the entire Encyclopedia Britannica. Under hypnosis, older people can often remember, with perfect clarity, events from fifty years before. Your unconscious memory is virtually perfect. It is your conscious recall that is suspect. The function of your subconscious mind is to store and retrieve data. Its job is to ensure that you respond exactly the way you are programmed. Your subconscious mind makes everything you say and do fit a pattern consistent with your self-concept, your “master program.” Your subconscious mind is subjective. It does not think or reason independently; it merely obeys the commands it receives from your conscious mind. Just as your conscious mind can be thought of as the gardener, planting seeds, your subconscious mind can be thought of as the garden, or fertile soil, in which the seeds germinate and grow. Your conscious mind commands and your subconscious mind obeys.

The point I am driving at is:

• You can practice all the techniques of cricket theories from book all you want.
• You can work as hard as you want.
• You can train till wee hours if you want.
• You can sweat yourself to death….

However, if you do not change your subconscious mind programming, you will NEVER WIN.

Of course, in academia and ‘prestigious journals’ there is always room for falsifiability. However, since my contention is pseudo-religious and quasi-spiritual, I would leave no room for skepticism. It is like saying: “oh let’s go on to beat that team or win that war, but why not analyze our loopholes while we are at it with some healthy dosage of self-criticism, self-abnegation, self-chastization, self-denial and heck, while we are at it, why not some dollop of self-abuse’. Ali never did that before a fight. Sure, we live in a democratic world and we are free to think whatever we want. But it all boils down to if you will set yourself for failure with self-negating, negative doubts and fear and uncertainty or the complete opposite?

As for myself, I have got better and better at that game. Now I can almost enter the peak state at will even without drugs or caffeine. Because I realize the power of subconscious mind and the programming.

Your subconscious mind is the limitless capacity of a supercomputer.
Your subconscious mind is the Aladin’s genie.
Your subconscious mind is a machine.
Your subconscious mind is the fertile soil of Babylonian riches.

You can program it to get whatever you want.

But first you have to believe it.

The gamesmanship is 90% mental and self-belief, and 10% mechanics. The part where Indians excel in terms of cricket is self-belief. This utter, unshakable, IDGAF depth-of-the-being self-belief.

First you have to believe it. And yes, if you play like God and you get egoistical like Tamim Iqbal, that ego is not the enemy. Guilt, however is. If deeper in your subconscious, you believe or feel guilty for being an arrogant ahole… guess what? Damn right your subconscious will sabotage you. Duh!!

This is the same reason why we -Bangladesh- have choke syndrome. Every time things go on our way, we tended to lose it in the past, because deep down due to our up bringing we felt like:

• “Oh we don’t deserve it.”
• “Oh, we don’t deserve to be victorious!”
• “Oh we simply got lucky!”
• “Oh this is not the REAL Bangladesh!”
• “Oh maybe if we will win, it will get to our head and will suffer!”
• “Oh eto jore ar phaast jawa bhalo na. Amader ektu slow down kora uchit!”
• “Thamo thamo! Beshi bhalo khelle oshubidha ase!” (Strange! But subconsious do behave in a subtle manipulative way to maintain homeostatis and sabotage yourself, lest you deviate from your self-perceived limitations!)

We are not ‘born’ with any beliefs. Sure there could be genetic encoding and what not, but essentially we are born a blank state and nurtured to be what we are. Heck, I would go as far as to state, even emotions are learned.

Now where does your self-belief come from?

See we were all born with limitless capacity and even photographic mind. Heck, all children have eidetic imagery. My entry point to finding about self-belief was through photographic memory. But I realized, due to traumatic childhood event such as encounter with snake or roller-coaster experience or say anger and control from parents and school as well as abusive witnesses from people all around me who lost it whether relatives, friends or family members, I subconsciously wanted to block away all these ‘memories’ or ‘thoughts’. Only at certain point all of these can be triggered as your subconscious mind which records everything from photographic precision will percolate and surface it to top.

Now ask yourself this. At what age did you lose your childlike wonder and self-belief? Was there some traumatic incident or memory or anything that instigated it? Was there any key moment of your life when you didn’t get the thing you wanted an became increasingly disenchanted and disillusioned?

Because that is the key to unheard of riches, my friend.

Fuck the skeptics

See, the problem with most skeptics is that they are not skeptical of their own skepticism. In that regard, pyrrhonists were light years ahead. Like true scientists they used to check their preconceived assumptions, axioms, faith and belief at door.

What I find strange and ironic about so called scientists and skeptics is that suppose a man claims to have eidetic and photographic memory via certain method. You people seem to dismiss his claims as woo hoo and woo hoo stuffs. But what I find mindboggling no one got the balls to question authority or even have an open mind that suppose this thing do work. Can it be demonstrated if I do such and such thing such and such thing is possible?

Has any frikkin mortal on God’s frikkin universe actually TRIED what Swami Vivekananda did? How many actually stopped masturbating for 12 years or practiced Brahmacharya to actually find out like a healthy scientist to see if it really works? That is a hallmark of a true scientist.

Zero progress has been made by skeptics and cynics. That is why I have zero respect for them. These skeptics have made photographic memory a taboo subject where hell may fall on you if you dare claim it.

Skeptics don’t have the balls to have vision. Memory olympians have self-limiting beliefs that eidetic memory is not possible and hence they settle for these stupid mnemonics and mind palace because they have accepted limitations as their beliefs. They simply lack courage, galls and balls. It takes certain guts to question the authority to say: “I don’t care who you are, I will believe whatever the hell [[[[[I]]]]]] want and damned be if it I am wrong, at least I believe what I want to believe.”

Just imagine if people had the same attitude towards space exploration had they given up just because some losers with self-limiting beliefs whispered to them “oh walking on moon” or rather “heavier than air machine” would never be possible.

Tsk tsk… and these same people will sheepishly maintain that eidetic memory exist. It is as if they have a personal agenda or something.

Funny meditation and hypnosis is now commonplace. But all these so called scientists and skeptics would scoff at these practices even a decade ago.

How do YOU (as in all you skeptics) KNOW that via meditation or concentration or trattaka or any practice or yoga or methodology photographic memory is not possible? Have YOU actually demonstrably tried it? Absence of an evidence doesn’t conclusively or necessarily prove something is not achievable.

Time and time, again and again walking on moon, Everest, sub-4 minute mile, Google speech to text recognition, Alex Honnold feat… all these were deemed impossible. Yet….sigh…and yet…

Reason why I have so much angst and hate towards skeptics is that they don’t have the balls and guts to question either their own skepticism, or authority. “Oh so and so says so, oh science says so… oh Harvard says so…” So if Harvard were to publish a paper citing God doesn’t exist, suddenly you’d accept it as God’s word? Some crazy Ouroboros ain’t that s***, hey?

As a wise men once said: “The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.”

Substitute skeptics with stupid and enlightened with intelligent.

I know I became a tad bit bitter. I am really really frustrated with all these slew of skeptics who make zero progress to mankind due to their close mindedness chiefly due to their own ego and agenda.

Fuck the naysayers

Videos and opinions such as “There are no such thing as photographic memory”…yada yada yada… send a toxic message to the world.

See, there are two types of people in the world. Positive, self-help type who unfortunately still believes an erroneous concept that the brain operates at 5% rate. And then there are the skeptics and cynics with self-defeating victim mentality who has the aura “just because I can’t do it, damned be the rest of humanity and they can’t do it as well”. The funny thing is the latter group is more devastating and dangerous than the former. No progress has been made by all these cynics, skeptics and negative people – be it dismissing ascent of Everest, travel to moon or Roger Bannister’s hitherto feat as impossible .

So basically people are reshuffling the nomenclature of “photographic memory” to “eidetic memory”. Same shit, in a different wine bottle. I mean if the media were to continuously bombard people with this idea from birth that a human cannot catch a ball from a feet away, sure enough they wouldn’t be able to do it. No shit . Go ahead Google Severshkii (sic) or Kim Peek or Swami Vivekanada who apparently memorized a whole dictionary by not fapping. Or do these people don’t “count”? You can’t backtrack now, because you flat-out said it is impossible.

Human brain and your body is an incredible machine capable of doing miraculous things. 90% of unlocking photographic memory is SELF-BELIEF .

There will always be someone who will tell you it is impossible until someone who goes out there who does it. That is just the nature of life. You can be an authority from Harvard, or God, but I don’t give a rats’ ass if you come and tell me it is not possible. I will believe whatever I want to believe.

Zeeshan Mahmud . Remember the name. For I will prove you all wrong.

My experience at Kokoro

Following is an account of my attempt at 50 hours of SealFit’s Kokoro Camp run and managed by Commander Mark Divine. Mark, whom I have met, is a phenomenal guy. If for some reason or due to legal technicalities anyone feel that I shouldn’t be divulging any of it, please feel free to contact me. I will either take it down or edit. Although I feel free advertisement won’t hurt!

One of the most defining moments of my life was when I attempted the 50-hour of SealFit’s Kokoro Camp. I only made it up to a shade above 2 hours and here is my story.

For those who don’t know -which *surprise* I didn’t know it either – it is a brutal and grueling 50 hours of non-stop assault on human body, soul and psyche. Hunter McIntyre, who was my ‘swim-buddy’ describes it as as if an atom bomb was dropped on you. You get very little sleep and it is 50 hours of continuous, non-stop relentless attack. This is crucial because I went there with the impression that since it is modeled after Navy SEAL hell week you at least get some luscious lunch breaks or have to make it till the day.. and get fours of sleep. But the difference is it is one bitter pill that needs to be swallowed fully. It is one whole chunk.

The journey started 2 weeks before. I sold my car and had some extra cash. Before I cashed my check, I actually had to live on the streets for a week. Because I sold my car and left my home after a nasty fight with Mom, so I thought my homelessness experience prepared me well. And it was rough let’s be honest. (Although Mark would destroy it totally in one phrase of ‘your self-perceived notion of hardship’). Anyway, I had to save enough money to buy a banana from 7-11 for 69c, open canned food from spike of iron picket fence before Church opened up in Long Beach after stumbling upon those giveaway of canned pears…and live on compassion on park-goer at dawn who would give me his jacket so that I didn’t freeze to death off hypothermia sleeping under picnic-table at park. I had to walk non-stop continuous from city to city and had swollen feet, blisters and athlete’s foot and ringworm and what not upon return to home. I had to walk continuous because it was freezing and I had no cold clothes and only way I could stave off cold was by walking. If I stopped, I was dead. And then panhandle enough to get a bus ticket that started at four am, which I would travel non-stop just for shelter before getting squints.

So I thought I prepared well. Indeed I did. Because when I came back home, I found creative and novel chess lines. On street I went to library and started reading about ninjas who would live off droplets of water from leaves and about yamabushi. Upon return I went on binge-watching “ancient black ops” video on YouTube and thought might as well try my luck at SealFit.

It was strategic too. I felt if I could pass SealFit, I could crush my way to Bangladesh National Cricket team and dominate it.

Well as I said the journey started 2 weeks ago. Buying lot of gears and writing my bio. And getting to Vail Lake was a journey itself.

I took almost half-a day Greyhound and reached to the city at night. I kinda got buzzed at a local bar…this was actually a good thing because for the shit that was to unfold next day I really, really needed to lower my stress. Of course, I had a terrible hangover and wouldn’t recommend it, but gut was still right because it kind of slowed you down for the behemoth called Pain that was to come down on you full force.

In my taxi ride, I strike a convo with the driver as I explain it to him what I was upto. Previously another taxi driver from Orange County was telling me to just to grit it out and not quit. “Do whatever the fuck they tell you. Don’t argue.” This taxi driver, on the other hand, was into conspiracy theories and Illuminati.

Finally I reached that place. The personnel pointed to distance where we should restrict ourselves. Vail Lake is truly beautiful. I couldn’t resist the urge to meditate before the lake and before the whole breath-taking tranquil and calm vista before the storm that was to ensue.

As more and more fellas idled in, it dawned on my that I was the outlier. Not in a good sense. All were supermodels in supermodel physique. As a journalist once described his experience that people there are like “mountain of muscle” or “Atlases.” True. These were all alpha males, and there was a female and even someone around 50. But they were in exquisite shape, and I was paunchy, little fella wearing sunglass-glasses. This I had to take off later which would make it hard to identify the bags filled with sand, but that also held my water bottle.

I was alone meditating; later I found out it is a bit of faux pas. I even found that out from my stay at Green Gulch Monastery for a week. In a group, you don’t isolate yourself. Period. You work as a team. As one unit. As one consciousness. I would find it out soon.

As we took our weapon (sand filled PVC pipe) and wore that cumbersome sack, we had to run to and fro for any errands we did. You can’t walk. Anyway we stood in formation and finally Mark Divine arrived. To me he looked like a plastic GI Joe action figure esp. in the beaten down sun with his glasses and tan.

He introduced himself to everyone personally. Then he came to me and said: “Mahmud I read your biography.” Intuition told me he would say it. Mine was different. It was a misery lit. LOL. And it wasn’t your boring and tedious WOD (workout of the day) or whether if you completed Murph. Then he pierced my heart with that “self-perceived hardship” comment reflecting on my bio. And then he said: “What would happen if you don’t make it?” I gave the reply that you shouldn’t reply with: “My ego would be gutted.” Aerergng. [Buzzer] Wrong answer. Way wrong answer. “[…]don’t ever bring your ego in here,” he would say.

So before the actual event started, all of a sudden he yelled out my name: “Mahmud, drop down and give 25.” Nothing is an accident. This guy actually studied your fuckin bio and read the fact that to prepare I was doing the minimum- which is 25 push-ups… and of course this is a fuckin’ joke.

Immediately I started giving 25 calling out each one. And in my mind all the while thinking: “There you go, picking out the middle-eastern looking guy from the crowd, esp the pussy one.”

As soon as I gave 10, suddenly an amazing thing happened. One guy dropped down and started giving push-ups. And so did one more. And one more. And soon the whole team joined me before I collapsed around 20.

Mark still wasn’t impressed: “What I don’t get is what took you so long to join him?”

See, SealFit is all about mind games. Sure you gotta be in top-notch condition and to get more bang from your buck you should go there in peak form – just like almost all other did- and only when you do that you start tapping into that mental spirit of the game.

Then Mark would say in a huddle the usual points that if you have brawn you can’t make it if you ain’t got mental toughness. On the other hand, if you are mentally tough, but don’t have the basic physical foundation you won’t make it either. The latter was my mistake. Not only I am not an athlete but exercise isn’t my way of life either. Then he would say something I would never forget: “I want to see your character. That’s all I am trying to get out of you guys.”

Now the hors d’oeuvers was over, the dessert came. I don’t know what hit me. I already put away my sunglass-glass in the locker and it was all blur. In a way, it kind of benefited me as I didn’t have to process all the brutality. Bear crawl, crawls, burpees, you name it. People on loudspeaker, dropping buckets of cold water…. It was mayhem. And the funny thing is I actually didn’t even know what a burpee was till then. LOL.

At one point, one of the guys came up to me and said: “You are the weakest link. Go to him and say ‘I am the weakest link’.” And as I was crawling to reach for my weapon… By the way, this is an important part that they kept drilling and drilling and drilling and hammering it in our heads until we got it right. Weapon is the most important thing. (Weapon being of course the sand-filled PVC pipe). Don’t ever lose your grip from the weapon.

So one moment the guy was telling me I was the weakest link. And next moment they flipped the switch. “Mahmud you lead.” Here I am. A paunchy, weak, short middle-eastern looking guy… and they are telling me, yes poor little me, to lead these bunch of studs and alpha males. Never a million years I thought I would ever lead, let alone a bunch of Navy SEAL lookin’ fellas.

It was all mind games.

And sure enough I did lead. I kind of felt good as my voice reflected when I shouted out the numbers. But it lasted for picosecond as I collapsed, fizzed and steam whittled out.

Also I would never forget when we were lying down we had to keep our legs raised, one of the guys said: “Mahmud do you think you can beat him?” Trick question. I mean if you reply ‘no’ you are basically giving up, and you say ‘yes’ then your ego would show. And later on, I managed to keep my feet raised a second longer than another stud and one of the guys told that person: “Ooh Mahmud. (as in I kept my feet raised for a fraction of a second longer). Now you have to live with that for the rest of your life.”

And all the while the buckets of water kept dousing. In pictures and videos, it looks cool and refreshing and sexy, but fuck no man. Anything but.

At one point, just like Hunter, I was taken off the group. The water-bath test. Again it looks so easy and cool, but I can tell you this, when you immerse yourself fully in icicle filled tub, and it is all pitch dark, drowning is a real fear, which I thought was akin to just taking a relaxing cold shower.

“How long can you stay?”

“30 seconds.”

“30 seconds?” One of the guys said in a tone of surprise. Of course first I couldn’t make it for even 10 seconds. And sure enough it was about 7 seconds this time.

“Why are you here?” he kind of commanded mildly.

“To find my limit.” Your ‘Why’ is very important. Mine was all about passion and ego. So I streamlined my answer this time.

“Everyone has limit huh?” he said in a tone of feign surprise to another coach by his side.

Another thing I would never forget. People tend to have this victim mentality that Navy SEALs or army-types are out there to kill all Muslims and what not. However, before I got out of the bath, he said something that is very subtle: “I want you to get up, but this time when you come out of water, do it with control.” I understood what he meant. You don’t want to shock your system. I mean, if this guy was a real asshole he could very well have said: “Fuck it.” But these people are really your friend, your coach and on your side and want to help. Victim mentality or not. Even to this day, when I stop running or especially, especially wake up in the morning, I try to remember it. I wake up with control.

My journey was about to come to an end. As we stood in formation before the 1 mile run, one of them asked a question to one of the student where the student replied in double-negative (I forget exactly what…) in a manner as if: “I do not not…” And then one of the coaches said: “What you majored in English or something?” Even in this brutal time some of us laughed.

They paired me with Hunter. I was the weakest and this guy was a total stud. All mind games. They purposefully want to slow him down. You are after all as strong as your weakest link. Hunter was all burst of positive energy. He had a Faaaaan-Tassstic aura, vibe and it felt as if he was actually fuckin enjoying this a bit. Weirdo.

He asked me about my life. If I have a girlfriend. Where I am from? Trying to distract my mind and helping me complete the 1 mile run. As soon as I turned half-way mark, I saw the racehorses all coming back. It became soon apparent, they were actually coming back for me. The whole no-man-left-behind policy you know? Damn, it did feel good. I mean these guys huffed and puffed to their finish line and all had to come back for me: a weak fuck. (But it is also important to remember, as Mark once mentioned in a podcast, your mission is first, then your team, and finally the individual.)

My breaking point came when we had to run uphill to a ‘mountaintop’ for the first of the five mountains. I simply couldn’t do it. Funny thing is I … yes me, I.. as in {{{{I}}}} quit. No one could make me quit. It was completely out of volition. Heck, the coach wanted me to stay actually. The team actually wanted to carry me on their shoulder. This, my ego couldn’t tolerate. I felt guilty. I let the words that I am the weak one tying down the team come to haunt me. I cracked.

Before I left one of the coaches isolated me and we had a chat. He basically made it clear you simply don’t go there with no plan. “Even Navy SEALS and Special Forces go there with a plan. With strategy.”

My problem was I went there completely unprepared. It is a bit like flipping Black’s Law Dictionary casually and thinking you are all set for Bar Exam or just studying five minutes before SAT.

This I took to heart. Even to this day if I am memorizing entire 20 volume Oxford English Dictionary (which is actually a SEAL thing to do; just like climbing Everest) or doing other stuffs, I don’t let my passion and whim guide me flimflam… I plan. I strategize. It it not about luck or overnight success or even gritting it out. You do need a structure, a routine, a plan and a program.

I only managed 2 hours out of 50. It has been and still remains one of THE most defining moment in my life….and those little life lessons I would never forget and to this date I try to follow religiously. Especially the whole “no man left behind” policy. One day I ‘tend to go back. But this time I really need to go there prepared and not just to pass it but…

Dominate it.

Afterthought

Whether it be my time in Zen monastery or my stint at 99 cents store or even Kokoro, the moment you try to be ultra-positive all the time, you are actually trying to change your subconscious. Your subconscious mind will rebel. Demons will surface. After my initial shock and disbelief and crushed ego, I started being spiteful thinking how it was all a scam and how Mark must have crushed my spirit by planting doubts when he asked “What if you don’t make it?” The truth of the matter is it is all on me. It is all my fault and my responsibility and all my choice. No one could make me quit, other than me.

After the initial shock passed, I felt good. I resolved to come back one day. But I did notice a change. One of the lady in the bus couldn’t get in the narrow seat with basically zero leg space. So immediately I gave my seat and laid there on the other seat with my feet bent on the seat. After I went home, I felt I could do anything: even memorize the big, fat tome of Langenscheidt German-English dictionary piecemeal. Of course I have come long way since then, and now I strategize more and sharpen my ax for three hours if I have five hours to chop down a tree.

Phlebotomist, hyssop et rooibos

Found a surefire way to gun down entire list of words. Of course problem was my interested started to wane if not dwindle a lot which forced me to eat the frog in the morning and create flashcards that will help remember me the words and create a structure for ulterior effect of seeing the entire pages in my mind’s eye.

Due to plateauing I kind of stopped writing. Plus the assessment was there was lack of interest and it was as if no one was reading it and I might as well be talking to the wall.

However, kinda got back to routine. Along with daily regimen of the diet of words I loved these strange words I saw in real life:

• phlebotomist – while giving blood in hospital saw it in sign
• hyssop – from a tea shop; “used for purgation (religious purification) in Egypt, where, according to Chaeremon the Stoic, the priests used to eat it with bread in order to purify this type of food and make it suitable for their austere diet” (Wikipedia)
• rooibos– again in 7 Leaves Cafe
  
• doxology- in a jacket of a man during bus ride who had a shield and reminded me that it must deal with “truth” as once I delved into doxastic and modal logic; actually it turned out doxology doesn’t necessarily mean what I thought it meant and the root of the Latin word ‘doxa’ has more to do with beliefs…

 

 

Letter X

Today I have finished learning all the words starting with the letter ‘X’.

‘You speak English?’

So I was at 7-11. I was behind this man to get a straw and this good-looking, symmetrical face guy goes: “What’s up dude?” I just took a nap was little groggy so I don’t reply. “Do you speak English?” I don’t reply as he pokes a little aggressively.

As he goes to the counter suddenly I snap and go into autopilot: “Oxford English Dictionary consists of 20 Volumes. The second word is ‘aa’ consists of two [nervous pause to breathe] letters of a.”

“So you speak English? That’s good. You are Indian? You are Indian huh.”

“The third word is ‘aal’ which derives from Indian word. How is that for speaking English?”

“I am just having a bad day.”

“It’s okay. If you are having a bad day just keep it to yourself Sir.” I reply. “Have a wonderful day.”

In hindsight I guess this slight passive-aggressive altercation could’ve totally botched up my day, but in reality, it actually made my day. Sure, I could’ve been less of a dick and not point out his mistake and kept my ego in check…

The way to mastery always has a way of finding one’s breaking point, pricking and unearthing one’s flaws and weak points. Reaction was mine. Just because once you develop powers, and verbal siddhi doesn’t mean you can cut down anyone as you please. You do need to cultivate self-control, discipline.

Speaking of discipline, I didn’t feel like blogging for the last five days. I kinda lost the point plus I was seeking within myself. The slowest days actually turned out to be the most productive time of the year.

I picked up the word ‘planh‘ while editing one of my old books, ‘woolgathering’ from an autosuggestion book although I could deduce the context, ‘xeriascaping’ from the bookstore where I picked up the autosuggestion book.

A word about Autosuggestion-book was in mentions how under hypnosis one was given the suggestion to turn the curtain when the man coughs. And sure enough the subject did post hypnosis. But what surprised me was when he was asked why he did that he actually justified by saying ‘oh the sun was bothering me’…

I picked up the word ‘perinatal’ taking mom to hospital for cardiology apartment -a word again I could infer. I also found the word ‘piton’ from an Alex Honnold interview, who is like God of climbing.

Finally, had to look up ‘orthotics’ and chanced upon ‘grommet’ while making a banner. I actually went to a rock climbing gym, bought some Omega-3 DHA gummy bears to boost BDNF that can also be activated with interval training as I learned, backed down on vestibular intelligence on buying a skateboard, and while pondering why drizzle falls on one area but not another remembered the book ‘The Lost Art of Reading Nature’s Sign‘ which, also, I backed down from purchasing that kinda triggered the factoid that when cows actually gather together it could be a sign of storm coming as seen from a photograph -anomaly at that- in a canoeing/kayaking book! Flirted with the idea of Shakespeare-method where you try to master words from commands of those who are most cited in OED such as ‘the bard’ and Dickens, but instead detoured, today, to buy an origami kit from Barnes & Noble’s.

Speakeasy, flying bathtub and cascara

“That type of shape I think it breeds a kind of confidence which is like beyond normal… Self-Confidence. You feel like an animal you know…Your mind can only match where your body is.” -Jake Gyllenhaal

Pop quiz. How come I didn’t write for the last three days? Hint: I didn’t do shred of exercise.

I felt like shit. I felt miserable. I felt utterly despondent, dejected, hopeless and a bag of despair.

I was impossibly depressed. Good thing.. guess you can find the only good thing about it..is that after I did not run, or rather forced myself to walk and sprint, walk and sprint, and kinda ended up running for a brief burst.. YOU FEEL AMAZING.

I wanted to capitalize on it. So I went out and bought two 20lb dumbbells. I really wanna get incredible shape.

I wouldn’t say last three days has been incredible waste. On Performix, I started doing visualization and cognitive priming three days ago. Day before yesterday was minimalism. I was getting rid of many junk, cutting down on radio, cleaning shelf and table and prioritizing the important things in life. Yesterday was effortless credo of Abraham Hicks and allowing things to happen which resonates to me like a Taoist philosophy. Also giving prayer a chance…

But at the end of the day, yes I overwhelmed myself with goals and tasks and overambition, but I wasn’t getting things done and feeling like shit.

So right now I feel really good after the brisk set of sprints and mild lifting for 5 minutes. Don’t laugh!

So three days ago, I was at bus-stand and as I was getting on to bus, I saw what looked like a bar key-chain that had the word “speakeasy”. Immediately it triggered in me the 1920s slang I searched for a comedy bit once. Apparently, it also triggered the word “flying bathtub” today, which I guess is a slang for automobile or plane…

Actually it isn’t. Upon search, the term “flivver”is interchangeable for automobile while “fly boy” for “aviator.” Not sure I got them all mixed up or indeed I saw the word “flying tub” once.

I also resaw “jujube” (“jojoba”) at 99 cents store which again I immediately recognized.

And yes, “cascara” is introduced in Starbucks.